Monday, November 30, 2009
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."
Friday, November 27, 2009
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he's in labor and then sues.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward the link so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will flag it because he's "offended".
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Anyway, one day (somehow) he gets married and even on his wedding night, he won't go near his wife. She asks him why....
"Because I know about the teeth you have down there", he replies.
"Heh!", says his wife, "I don't have any teeth down there, where did you get that idea from?"
"You can't kid me", says Bob, "My mum told me about them."
So, in desperation, his wife takes her clothes off and lies on the bed with her legs wide open for him to have a good look.
"LOOK!", she says, "NO TEETH!"
"I'm not surprised", replies Bob, "not with gums like that!".
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!"
Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Q: Why did Obama cross the road?
A: To apologize for his side of the road.
The secret service code for the arrival of Air Force One: The ego has landed!
Q: What is the best thing about cash for clunkers?
A: It took most of the Obama stickers off the road.
Obama is giving a speech to schoolchildren and he hears someone shout "You Lie" Obama continues and again he hears "you lie" Suddenly Nancy Pelosi Jumps up and says who said that. Next time I hear "You Lie", I am going to kick that student out and you won’t be able to hear the president’s speech. Obama continues and suddenly every student in the school is heard to shout, "You Lie"
Obama running health care is like Michael Vick running the dog pound.
President Obama is the only leader taking comprehensive action to stop greenhouse gas emissions: He's steadily putting everyone out of work.
Q: Who should be listed as the most expensive dependent on your tax return?
A: President Obama.
President Obama intends to reward ambition. With higher taxes.
Q: Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate?
A: It shows that he didn't have a virgin birth.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Did you ever wonder who were the folks who got all those special invites to the White House since the Obama’s turned it into party central?
- 2 visits by William Ayers, the Weatherman terrorist whose group bombed the Pentagon and who said he wished he had done more. Remember Obama told us all that Ayers was “just some guy in the neighborhood” back in Chicago. What a liar!
- 2 visits by Angela Davis, former Communist Party candidate for Vice President and found innocent of kidnapping and murder of a judge.
- 4 visits by failed Presidential hopeful John Edwards. No word on whether he shared grooming tips with Obama.
- 5 visits by Steve Elmendorf, head of the Congressional Budget Office. Wonder if Obama was doing some arm twisting to get CBO to whitewash the Dem’s health care plans?
- 15 visits by Kim Gandy, head of the National Organization for Women. But no time on the schedule for General McChrystal, our commander in Afghanistan!
- 5 visits by Jeff Immelt, CEO of General Electric. No doubt Jeff had to pick up those billions in stimulus funds himself.
- 5 visits by Michael Jordan. Basketball is so much more important than governing a country.
- 8 visits by Nancy Keenan, head of the National Abortion Rights Action League. You suppose it’s just a coincidence that abortion funding keeps popping up in the health care bill?
- 7 visits by Philip Lamarche of 666 West End Avenue in NYC and bigtime Obama donor.
- 8 visits by Michael Moore. A socialist propaganda film maker is obviously more important than meeting with General McChrystal.
- 4 visits by George Soros, the Hungarian born billionaire who funds the Democrat Party.
- TWENTY (20) visits by Andrew Stern, head of the far left union SEIU whose thugs beat up Town Hall protesters this summer.
Even Good ole Rev. Jeremiah “God DAMN America” Wright got a visit. Even after disrespecting Obama during last year’s campaign.If you ever wondered why Obama appointed so many raving radicals to important positions in the White House, this list makes it clear: That’s the only kind of people this man knows and cares to associate with.
Friday, November 6, 2009
A cowboy walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay Bar.
What the heck,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.'
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your manhood?'
The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.'
The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really Satisfies.'
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of yours?'
The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.'
The thirsty cowboy asks, 'Why Timex?'
The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!'
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you guys call yours?'
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'.' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford lately?' The guy next to him then says, 'I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'... And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,'The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer.'
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why Secret?'
The cowboy says, 'Because it's' STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare...
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I get plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, American guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kid's need dentist? Wife's need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!
American's crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the American race.
If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan