Friday, May 29, 2009
Afterwards, he decides to wash the unpleasant taste from his mouth and goes to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet seat is his wife.
"How the hell did you beat me into the bathroom?" he asks amazed.
"SHHHH!" she replied "Be quiet, you'll wake mother. She's spending the night!"
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French foods are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud, Coors or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
'I have 3 demands or I'll kill the boy!'
Negotiators assess the situation from next door.
Head Negotiator dispatched
They probably spent $0.35 cents.
In this country, we would shut the street down for 48 hours, take 12 hours to talk him out of it, spend $5 million giving him a fair trial, and pay his food and lodging for life.
No wonder their products are cheaper than ours.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.
The best known media mogul on earth is Black.
The greatest golfer in the world is Black.
The top female tennis players in the world are Black.
The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.
The fastest racing driver in the world is Black.
The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.
The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.
The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.
The fastest human on the planet is Black.
... Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an on coming car, a brown, furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and it must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it --it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.
I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves.
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!
I was pretty sure the scream was Squirrel for "Bonzai!" or maybe "Die, you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Twisted Evil
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of my throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved, not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can have only one result.
Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well... I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time, the squirrel decided I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large, puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black-and-chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade into your police car.
I heard screams. This time they weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really...Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street aiming a riot gun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car...but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Frenchman: 'You American folk eat the whole bread?'
American (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'
French man: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't.In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The American listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists:
'Do you eat jelly with the bread?'
American: 'Of Course.'
(Cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states.'
After a moment of silence, The American then asks:
'Do you have sex in France?'
Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.
American: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
American: 'We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore..
If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice. I’m just doing it as a public service.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to have a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
- 1950s -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
- 1960s -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
- 1970s -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
- 1980s -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
- 1990s -- A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
- 2009 -- Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a post turtle.”
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, “When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.”
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”
Monday, May 11, 2009
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are. It's Barrack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options: You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful people.
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.
"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
Your basic virgin female was all set to get married to a virile man, when her mother took her aside for a little pre-nuptial advice.
"Dear, I know you love this man," the mother began. "And we've tried to welcome him into our family. But there is something you must know. These men like to make love in a disgusting way, so if he ever asks you to turn over before making love, DON'T do it. It's degrading and painful, and it will ruin your marriage."
So the wedding is fine. The happy couple enjoys their first month of marital bliss, when one night, the man says to his wife, "Honey, let's try making love a little differently tonight. Why don't you roll over?"
The woman loses it. "You brute," she sobs. "My mother warned me about you men, I can't believe you would do this to me."
"But honey," the startled man replies. "I just thought you might want to have children."
Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?
A: To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.
O broke a nail, Oh I could cry.
Don't you like how my tushy sways?
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Barak O-bama's words upon my ears,
"You Guys have rights, be proud you're Queers."
I once was scared, now I'm okay,
Cause I'm a Fag in the QUEEN BERETS.
Put silver earclips on my nuts,
I love the pain, now spank my butt.
The way you walk is awfully cute.
I sure would LOVE to pack your chute.
This Army stuff is awfully slick,
Free meals and clothes, and lots of dicks.
When I retire, I'll still get paid.
I thank you O-bama, from the Queen Berets.
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
Q: Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So you can tell them apart from feminists.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the 2004 Presidential election:
- Number of States won by: Democrats: 20 Republicans: 30
- Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000 Republicans: 2,427,000
- Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million Republicans: 143 million
- Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2 Republicans: 2.1
Ignorance, stupidity, and apathy constitute the greatest dangers to freedom.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224-3254
Washington DC, 20510
Dear Senator Harkin,
As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.
Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.
Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.
Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.
Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burden some car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Burlington , IA
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040 .