Football Truths I Didn't Know

FOOTBALL TRUTHS ...


Q: What does the average Penn State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.


Q: What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.


Q: How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your dorm room?
A: Grease her hips and push.


Q: How do you get an Ohio State graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.


Q: How do you know if an Alabama football player has a girlfriend?
A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.


Q: Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.


Q: What are the longest three years of a Miami ( Fla ) football player's life?
A: His freshman year.


Q: How many Oklahoma freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a sophomore course.


Q: Where was O. J. Headed in the white Bronco?
A: Durham, North Carolina. He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.


Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Racism Test

This is a Racism Test ...

Do you like him any better now?


No?


Then you are not a racist.

California

Back in 1850

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this Fall...
Back in 1850?

• California became a state.
• The people had no electricity.
• The state had no money.
• Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
• There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

Medical Miracles

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut-off a man's testicles, we put it into another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work"

The German doctor comments: "That?s nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out from a person, we put it into another person's head and in 4 weeks he is looking for work"

A Russian doctor says: That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart out from a person, we put it into another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

The US doctor answers immediately: That's nothing colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA we grabbed a person with no brains, no heart and no balls....we made him President and now....the whole country is looking for work!!!!!

PrezBO

DON'T FORGET YOUR ANNIVERSARY

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Look Who's Been Sober For A Whole Year!

Congratulations Senator Kennedy!

I never knew. Enjoy.......

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

THE EMERGENCY ROOM

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that
they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours
off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time
you're in need of quicker emergency service.


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

And the Laundromat - three minutes after entering I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew got up and left and l never got my order.

Nominated for joke of the year:

Two women were sitting quietly together,

minding their own business.