Drafting Guys Over 60

New Direction for the war on terrorists. Send Service Vets over 60 years old.

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 55.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts ! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some idiot that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18 -year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the heck. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the 'New army' now, 'Get down and give me .. ER ... one.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed-off old farts with 'attitude' and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol ... we will have it secured the first night !


Most of us old guys have been downsized or packaged out and out of work (politely retired) and could use a job, especially one with health, drug, eyewear, and dental attached to it...for FREE!

We also will get three meals a day, 4 if you are in the Navy and at sea...for FREE!

We also get FREE clothes, FREE living accomodations, FREE travel.

They will even do your taxes for FREE!!!

When I Arrive at the Pearly Gates

When I arrive at the Pearly Gates, I'll have some questions. For starters, are Pearly Gates really enough to keep out the bad guys? I mean, these people orchestrate heists and campaign for office.

There will be other questions, to be sure. Would you know I've been writing a list...

Why are there "no shoplifting" signs? Are there places where it's okay?

How come psychics never win the lottery?

Why not one long month with 365 days?

If necessity is the mother of invention, how come we have so much useless crap?

How can Santa Claus get old but never die?

What is the Universe expanding onto?

Why is there boxing at the Goodwill Games?

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk?

When people go to the bathroom, why do they say they'll be right back? Do they ever stay?

Where do Hawaiians go on vacation?

If we don't say "amen," does God just keep on listening?

What are we supposed to do when they issue air quality warnings? Hold our breath?

How come so many good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people?

Why don't we ever drop flowers on other countries to let them know that we love them?

Why do we call it a walk when the batter jogs to first base and becomes a runner?

When your palm itches, it means that you're about to make money. What does it mean when your butt itches?

Is it really low-fat, or does the serving just fit in the palm of your hand?

Wouldn't it be easier to take, say, cabbage from a baby?

Why are his-and-her presents always for her?

When porn stars get married, do guests get to attend the honeymoon?

If meteorologist study the weather, who's watching out for the meteors?

How do you blow a French kiss?

If God made Earth for man, how come there's so much water?

Will we ever find a cure for that mysterious illness that turns three-day weekends into four-day weekends?

Why are softballs so hard?

When will we develop solar energy? When Exxon owns the sun?

What's the difference between neurotic and eccentric? How much money you make?

How come so few people are familiar with the word "arcane"?

Is it time to have a telethon for Jerry Lewis?

Does wild rice have to be hunted?

We have curling in the Olympics. Why not horse shoes or tiddlywinks?

Who invented Soap-on-a-Rope? A prisoner?

Why can't the chicken just appreciate the side of the road she's on?

Holistic dentistry?! Isn't that what they had in the Middle Ages?

People talk on cell phones in the lobby. Why do they take exception when I read aloud?

How can J&D mass-market rare scotch?

Why do we call them elevators when they go up and down?

What do you call tights that are too big for you?

What if we run out of hypothetical questions?

And Saint Peter will roll his eyes, knowing what I'm up to -- delayed sentencing. Johnny Cochrane had tried the same tactic. So it goes.

"Mr. Hammer, I see that you thrice used the Bible as a coaster. In the sixth grade you called Meloni Baller a 'pencil-neck geek' before turning her cotton briefs into a G-string.

"You wrote inexcusable puns and prided yourself on the ability to belch 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"

And I will look straight ahead with elevator face.

"I'm afraid that we will be sending you back as a pencil-neck geek so that you can explore at greater depth the answers to your silly little questions."

Billy Graham said that heaven is like a "never-ending family reunion," which is funny because that's exactly the way I describe hell. I just know that if we're permitted to come back as whatever we please, I will definitely choose brassiere.

In the meantime, I promise to refrain from placing beverages on the Scripture and giving wedgies to my classmates, but there is little I can do about the hokey word plays. Even now I'm wondering if, when it stinks to high heaven, the smell goes all the way up to cloud nine or
stops at seventh heaven.

Saint Peter? Oh, Mr. Peter?...

Domestic Violence PSA

Religions of the World

Taoism- Shit Happens.

Hinduism- This Shit Happened Before.

Islam- If Shit Happens, Take a Hostage.

Buddhism- When Shit Happens, is it Really Shit?

7th Day Adventists- Shit Happens on Saturday.

Protestantism- Shit Won’t Happen if I Work Hard.

Catholicism- If Shit Happens, I Deserve it.

Jehovah’s Witnesses- Knock, Knock; Shit Happens.

Judaism-Why Does This Shit Always Happen to me?

Hare Krishna- Shit Happens, Rama Dama Ding Dong.

Atheism- No Shit.

TV Evangelism- Send More Shit.

Rastafarianism- Let’s Smoke This Shit.

you just can't please some people

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.

His God Complex

So this Democrat walks into a bar...

… with his dog under his arm.

The Deomcrat says to the bartender, "give me a beer. Anything but Coors Light."

Bartender says, "why not Coors Light?"

The Democrat says "I drank a case of Coors Light last night and blew Chunks"

Bartender says, "dude, you drink a case of anything and your going to get sick".

The Democrat says, "you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog".

2 Arabs on a Plane

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'd be happy to get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch a coke. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes - and pissing in cokes?'

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

More New Obama Taxes!

Mice!